Small Group Fun and Such

So yesterday was a lot of fun. A bunch of us went to the state park and hung out. We had hot dogs cooked over charcoal and then walked around and looked at the falls. The car I was in left after the other and we walked around a bit longer. Then we went on some swings. I know that doesn’t seem significant to most of you but I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty much a big deal to swing since I haven’t really since last May. Only a few of you know why. Not going to go into it. But it made me ridiculously happy. The car ride back was also fun, talking in hick voices and smelling the fresh manure! Nothing like it! I’m glad for friends.

Other news, I can’t wait for this semester to be over… and at the same time, I can. I do NOT want to take my finals, at all. Nor do I want that Chaucer paper to be due on Monday. But I have to and it is. So all I can do is hope I get a concussion before that. Just kidding.

So yeah. I should get to work on that. But I will share the Facebook album with you.

4/21/08 Thoughts— emotions, Chaucer, MJ, etc.

I’m not an overtly emotional person. I assume that people don’t have time to know what I’m feeling (if it’s negative) or that they ought to know what I’m feeling when it’s positive. I have a hard time expressing emotion. There are times when I’d really like to walk up to people that I care about, and I mean deeply care about, hug them and tell them I love them and that I’m glad I know them and that they bother to care about me. But every time I think about it, I start to say something then just say something else entirely. Like about ponies. Or something stupid like that. It’s a hard habit to break. Telling people that you care sets you up for disappointment. And I don’t like being disappointed. But anyway, why am I thinking about that today? Because several times today/this weekend I wanted to say the three words that make you most vulnerable to a couple people I consider close friends. But I didn’t. Maybe they’ll read this. Maybe they won’t. Either way, just blogging about wanting to say it doesn’t count.

On we go. Chaucer makes me want to die. Every time I think about it. I want to die. But my Chaucer paper is the last paper I have to write for this semester. This fact almost fills me with joy. Almost.

I got decent hours for next semester at MJ. I’ll still be done by 3 every day with classes and work. So it will be good. My finals week hours aren’t so fantastic but I’ll get over it. Might as well get used to being up and around by 7:30 again. I’ll have to be up and in the dining hall at OBC by 7 every morning this summer anyway.

Anyway, I should get going. I have to go buy whipped cream. Actually, the important part of this trip is me going to the bank to deposit my check. But still. Whipped cream is important too. Umm… well, I think that’s all. Oh, by the way, if the first paragraph seems awfully familiar to our interactions, yeah. Ha. Maybe someday. Or should I say perhaps someday? 😉

Sore

I love being sore. Not just the usual sore though. I love being sore from head to toe because I just spent time at BSBC, my original camp home. I washed dishes, I scraped plates, I walked most of the grounds, I slept for five hours on a lumpy awkward creaky mattress. All in all, it was a beautiful retreat.

I “took” the Intervarsity chapter from my school there for their spring retreat and I think it was good overall. I think they enjoyed it and I’m glad I got to share my camp home with them.

But I miss it terribly. I didn’t realize quite how much until I was actually there. It’s hard to know that I can’t go back there right now because I can’t afford it. It’s hard because even if I could, it wouldn’t be the same.

That’s not to say I don’t like where I am right now. I do, really. OBC is great too and I think it’s giving me more experience in the bigger picture areas of a camp. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll be working full time at a camp. I say someday because I have so much in loans that shy of a miracle, I’ll have to take a real job for a while in order to pay off my debt before I can do some of the things I love.

So much thinking. It hurts my brain. So that’s all for now.

then there are other days…

And then there are days where I feel like I’m on top of the world. Days where I feel like I have people who actually care about me, people who, dare I say it, LOVE me.

I was at O—B—C— this weekend. I really like Thelma. She’s so funny but not in a comedienne way you know. Just the way she gets stressed and the way she reacts to stuff. I was making a video and she said something about being glad to work with me. And Evelyn. Let me just say, we pretty much bonded this Saturday. We talked about people and life and how she used to scare me. Then we put a checkerboard pattern on the floor with the foam mats that got for the kitchen. And working at O—B—C— has really helped me bond with the Lindermans, I have to say. Mrs. and I are much closer than we used to be. And Mr. and I, though we’ve always been pretty tight, have a lot more to chat about. I love it.

I have to say, I missed Art and Donna this weekend but they will have a special surprise waiting for them.

And even here, there are a couple people I really appreciate having around. Or who I really appreciate being able to text when I’m up to my ears in other people’s dirty plates and insanity running rampant around the kitchen. (They probably don’t realize quite how “attached” I think I’m becoming. They don’t realized that they’re “stuck” with me now.) If you’re reading this… 😉

These other days when the sun is shining and I feel like the person I want to be are fantastic. It’s like my life is actually going ok. I feel like I can be an encouragement to others and that as much as I give to the people I care about, I’ll never run out. And it’s because I get that back. It’s mutual. Unlike some friendships I’ve had where I give until I have nothing left and I just break down.

But today, this week, right now, I feel like I am pretty much where I want to be in life. No, it’s not perfect. I forget to read for a class or can’t figure out what to do about my “future” but it all pales in comparison.

That’s really all I have to say right now. Have a brazzle dazzle day!

there are days…

There are days when I miss this friend I used to have more than life itself. Most days, I just regret letting my guard down so much and I regret letting myself be that much of a metaphorical crutch. But there are days when I find myself reading the poetry I wrote when I knew her, looking at the pictures we took, reading the blogs that I wrote when we were friends. There are days when I still wonder what I could have done that would have been “right” that would have meant we never stopped being friends. There are days when my heart breaks for the deep friendship that we could still be sharing, a friendship that happens so rarely. A friendship where two people know each other and everything they’re thinking without any of it being spoken.

There are days when I wonder if I will ever be able to have that close of a friendship. I’m not talking about romantic love, mind you. That is another post entirely.  I’m talking about a truly close friend with whom you don’t have to be the “together” one, friendship where you can fall apart and still have a friend in them.

I guess I’ve always seen my friendships as me benefiting other people, me using whatever “talents” I have to make their lives better. But I’m burnt out. I cannot be the one that people run to all the time, not without a more “give and take” kind of relationship. So many times, I finish a conversation with people, emotionally drained and all I can do is crawl into bed and cry because even if I’m having issues, none of them were addressed. It was all about the other person.

Now I know that sometimes that’s what is needed for the other person and I’m happy to be there for my friends, but when I don’t feel like I have anyone I can admit my feelings to, it really takes its toll.

There are days when I’m so lonely that I talk to pictures on my wall. And there are days at home where I have lengthy conversations with my cat, Han, who is pretty much my best friend. (Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE having the house to myself when I’m home but sometimes… especially when I’m without a car…)

There are days when I’m so frustrated with myself for coming across too strong in a friendship and I worry about coming across as emotionally needy.

There are days when the happiest part of my day is reading my mediocre poetry out loud to people when I don’t even understand why they like me. There are days, plenty of them, when I wonder why people in my life even want to get to know me, wonder why they think I’m funny, wonder why they want to introduce me to people they know. There are days when I just sit back and look at the day and think, “Who was that person in my body today and why are they so much cooler than me?”

Don’t tell me I have self-esteem issues. Don’t tell me I’m crazy. Don’t tell me you love me. I know the first two and I probably won’t believe you if you said the last one. I just needed to get this off my chest.

So that’s all. It’s just one of those days…

I’m pretty excited

I’m pretty excited about next summer. I’ll be at O—B—C— again in similar but different capacities. I know it’s a complete turn around from a year ago. I seriously didn’t want to go up there. I didn’t want to work with old people, I was sick of food service, all of it. But no one else ever called me back (except Tim Horton’s… about two hours after I accepted the position at OBC… ) But now, I absolutely am glad to be going back. Maybe it’s a comfortable thing. I don’t know but I certainly am comfortable there. And I honestly feel loved. It’s great.

I’m also excited because I’m going up there the weekend of April 4-5. Hopefully, I’ll have a little bit of alone time to get some homework done. Hopefully another little plan in that realm goes through. But if it doesn’t, oh well. I’ll still be with my old people.  (PS if you’re one of them and reading this, I mean no offense by the term old people. I love you)

Hm… so I was thinking earlier. I know shock. Anyway, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I mean, I used to be this solitary person with whom everyone made polite conversation and it was awkward for everyone. But the other night, someone sought me out to introduce me to their friend and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I don’t understand it in any capacity. I mean, I guess I can be funny but really, I don’t know. And I didn’t think I gave off the impression that I was approachable. I can’t fathom it. But it’s kind of neat I guess.

On another topic, work today was actually pleasant. Colleen was in a fun mood for once. And Lis and I had a legitimate conversation about her camper. Donna (different Donna)  and I talked about her family, it was… weird. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t really get it. I mean, where has the mean Cherilyn who people were afraid of gone? It’s just different. It will take some getting used to I guess.

Well, that’s all I have for you for now. I hope you have a fantastic day. I’ll write more some other time.

Matthew West, Jeremy Camp, Toby Mac

So… the concert was a lot of fun and it was also fun hanging out with Jonesy and Emmy. I don’t think I’ve ever stayed at a hotel without adult or parental supervision. I mean, sure there was my “senior trip” but still, there were several adults there in charge of us. Anyway, the weather was cooperative and there were only a few minor issues with travel and such. Toby Mac was definitely my favorite of the three performers but I liked them all. Anyway, you should check out the photos (there will be videos on Facebook soon) on Flickr or Facebook, whichever you’re reading this from but if you have access to my Facebook I would recommend that one since I uploaded about 8 more than on Flickr.

That brings me to my next point. The reason I only uploaded 7 or so to Flickr is because I have only a free account and I have been nearing the 200 photo limit for quite some time. Not that my photos will be lost but people won’t be able to see any but my most recent 200. Since I have taken 7,435 photos on my approximately 2 year old camera, I feel like upgrading to a Pro account will soon be necessary. It costs $25 though so I’ve been putting it off. Thus, I have to limit my uploads. If anyone reading wants to be my new best friends, give the gift of Flickr.

Ok, well I’d best get to homework.

~C-Dubs