I was pleasantly surprised by the lack of conversation with an individual who only needs me she/he is upset despite her/his unhappy away message.
I was pleasantly surprised to find several photos I’d forgotten about while combing through the 12,000 some odd photos on my external hard drive.
I was pleasantly surprised to realize that I can, in fact, feel emotional attachment and perhaps even love for another human being.
I was pleasantly surprised to realize that… it’s bedtime.
Good night, sweet, sweet dreams….. etc.
Every morning, at 8:18, I walk out of my room and out the door, passing the custodians who inevitably say good morning. I smile and say good morning back. They make me happy: they keep my bathroom germ-free, they keep the garbage bagged, they make our dorm a nicer place. Yet on a daily basis, good morning is all I say to them except in rare instances where I’m desperate to brush my teeth and I ask if I can go ahead and use a sink while they’re cleaning the bathroom.
At 8:24 I’m in my class, six minutes early. My bearded professor mouths good morning because he thinks I wouldn’t be able to hear him if he actually spoke aloud. My earphones are in. I say good morning back then pretend to be extremely occupied with my day planner.
The professor for my second class depresses me. She’s very anti-male. And non-optimistic. Not pessimistic, just not optimistic. There’s a difference. She wears the same nondescript blue jeans and light blue men’s dress shirt (except for the two times she wore a pink men’s dress shirt) and cheap canvas sneakers that clearly have no arch support. My feet would be killing me. Actually, they are, well, my ankles are. But that’s beside the point. Today she told us that life’s not fair.
In my third class, two girls sat in front of me, each writing furiously about post-modernism, Don DeLillo, and the media. They both had Bic pens, one clear, one black and white. The caps were both neatly appended to the butt end of the pen, with the clips chewed and bent into perpendicularity with the pen itself. It was interesting.
I had a nice chat with a squirrel today. And I smelled the buds on a tree. Then I lamented the death of the daffodils, early bloomers, my favorite flowers that are now gone for another year… or so.
Life is strange but I’m kind of a fan.
So yesterday was a lot of fun. A bunch of us went to the state park and hung out. We had hot dogs cooked over charcoal and then walked around and looked at the falls. The car I was in left after the other and we walked around a bit longer. Then we went on some swings. I know that doesn’t seem significant to most of you but I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty much a big deal to swing since I haven’t really since last May. Only a few of you know why. Not going to go into it. But it made me ridiculously happy. The car ride back was also fun, talking in hick voices and smelling the fresh manure! Nothing like it! I’m glad for friends.
Other news, I can’t wait for this semester to be over… and at the same time, I can. I do NOT want to take my finals, at all. Nor do I want that Chaucer paper to be due on Monday. But I have to and it is. So all I can do is hope I get a concussion before that. Just kidding.
So yeah. I should get to work on that. But I will share the Facebook album with you.
I’m not an overtly emotional person. I assume that people don’t have time to know what I’m feeling (if it’s negative) or that they ought to know what I’m feeling when it’s positive. I have a hard time expressing emotion. There are times when I’d really like to walk up to people that I care about, and I mean deeply care about, hug them and tell them I love them and that I’m glad I know them and that they bother to care about me. But every time I think about it, I start to say something then just say something else entirely. Like about ponies. Or something stupid like that. It’s a hard habit to break. Telling people that you care sets you up for disappointment. And I don’t like being disappointed. But anyway, why am I thinking about that today? Because several times today/this weekend I wanted to say the three words that make you most vulnerable to a couple people I consider close friends. But I didn’t. Maybe they’ll read this. Maybe they won’t. Either way, just blogging about wanting to say it doesn’t count.
On we go. Chaucer makes me want to die. Every time I think about it. I want to die. But my Chaucer paper is the last paper I have to write for this semester. This fact almost fills me with joy. Almost.
I got decent hours for next semester at MJ. I’ll still be done by 3 every day with classes and work. So it will be good. My finals week hours aren’t so fantastic but I’ll get over it. Might as well get used to being up and around by 7:30 again. I’ll have to be up and in the dining hall at OBC by 7 every morning this summer anyway.
Anyway, I should get going. I have to go buy whipped cream. Actually, the important part of this trip is me going to the bank to deposit my check. But still. Whipped cream is important too. Umm… well, I think that’s all. Oh, by the way, if the first paragraph seems awfully familiar to our interactions, yeah. Ha. Maybe someday. Or should I say perhaps someday? 😉
I love being sore. Not just the usual sore though. I love being sore from head to toe because I just spent time at BSBC, my original camp home. I washed dishes, I scraped plates, I walked most of the grounds, I slept for five hours on a lumpy awkward creaky mattress. All in all, it was a beautiful retreat.
I “took” the Intervarsity chapter from my school there for their spring retreat and I think it was good overall. I think they enjoyed it and I’m glad I got to share my camp home with them.
But I miss it terribly. I didn’t realize quite how much until I was actually there. It’s hard to know that I can’t go back there right now because I can’t afford it. It’s hard because even if I could, it wouldn’t be the same.
That’s not to say I don’t like where I am right now. I do, really. OBC is great too and I think it’s giving me more experience in the bigger picture areas of a camp. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll be working full time at a camp. I say someday because I have so much in loans that shy of a miracle, I’ll have to take a real job for a while in order to pay off my debt before I can do some of the things I love.
So much thinking. It hurts my brain. So that’s all for now.
- I got a 9/10 on a quiz.
- My second class was canceled.
- I had hot chocolate/coffee
- I went to work, picked up an extra two hours, and realized why I love working in the dining hall at OBC so much more than here.
- I showered and managed to cut the back of my leg, right at the bend. Fantastic.
- My right upper arm has been twitching intermittently for the last 3.5 hours.
- I had a really good dinner with Christin.
- I saw a squirrel fall into a garbage can.
- IT WAS GORGEOUS OUT TODAY!
- That’s about it… for the rest of the night, I will proofing Emmy’s paper, reading for Humanities, and watching Murphy Brown… and of course, having Bedtime Poetry.
Have a fantastic day all.
And then there are days where I feel like I’m on top of the world. Days where I feel like I have people who actually care about me, people who, dare I say it, LOVE me.
I was at O—B—C— this weekend. I really like Thelma. She’s so funny but not in a comedienne way you know. Just the way she gets stressed and the way she reacts to stuff. I was making a video and she said something about being glad to work with me. And Evelyn. Let me just say, we pretty much bonded this Saturday. We talked about people and life and how she used to scare me. Then we put a checkerboard pattern on the floor with the foam mats that got for the kitchen. And working at O—B—C— has really helped me bond with the Lindermans, I have to say. Mrs. and I are much closer than we used to be. And Mr. and I, though we’ve always been pretty tight, have a lot more to chat about. I love it.
I have to say, I missed Art and Donna this weekend but they will have a special surprise waiting for them.
And even here, there are a couple people I really appreciate having around. Or who I really appreciate being able to text when I’m up to my ears in other people’s dirty plates and insanity running rampant around the kitchen. (They probably don’t realize quite how “attached” I think I’m becoming. They don’t realized that they’re “stuck” with me now.) If you’re reading this… 😉
These other days when the sun is shining and I feel like the person I want to be are fantastic. It’s like my life is actually going ok. I feel like I can be an encouragement to others and that as much as I give to the people I care about, I’ll never run out. And it’s because I get that back. It’s mutual. Unlike some friendships I’ve had where I give until I have nothing left and I just break down.
But today, this week, right now, I feel like I am pretty much where I want to be in life. No, it’s not perfect. I forget to read for a class or can’t figure out what to do about my “future” but it all pales in comparison.
That’s really all I have to say right now. Have a brazzle dazzle day!