Posted in 1st person, me

there are days…

There are days when I miss this friend I used to have more than life itself. Most days, I just regret letting my guard down so much and I regret letting myself be that much of a metaphorical crutch. But there are days when I find myself reading the poetry I wrote when I knew her, looking at the pictures we took, reading the blogs that I wrote when we were friends. There are days when I still wonder what I could have done that would have been “right” that would have meant we never stopped being friends. There are days when my heart breaks for the deep friendship that we could still be sharing, a friendship that happens so rarely. A friendship where two people know each other and everything they’re thinking without any of it being spoken.

There are days when I wonder if I will ever be able to have that close of a friendship. I’m not talking about romantic love, mind you. That is another post entirely.  I’m talking about a truly close friend with whom you don’t have to be the “together” one, friendship where you can fall apart and still have a friend in them.

I guess I’ve always seen my friendships as me benefiting other people, me using whatever “talents” I have to make their lives better. But I’m burnt out. I cannot be the one that people run to all the time, not without a more “give and take” kind of relationship. So many times, I finish a conversation with people, emotionally drained and all I can do is crawl into bed and cry because even if I’m having issues, none of them were addressed. It was all about the other person.

Now I know that sometimes that’s what is needed for the other person and I’m happy to be there for my friends, but when I don’t feel like I have anyone I can admit my feelings to, it really takes its toll.

There are days when I’m so lonely that I talk to pictures on my wall. And there are days at home where I have lengthy conversations with my cat, Han, who is pretty much my best friend. (Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE having the house to myself when I’m home but sometimes… especially when I’m without a car…)

There are days when I’m so frustrated with myself for coming across too strong in a friendship and I worry about coming across as emotionally needy.

There are days when the happiest part of my day is reading my mediocre poetry out loud to people when I don’t even understand why they like me. There are days, plenty of them, when I wonder why people in my life even want to get to know me, wonder why they think I’m funny, wonder why they want to introduce me to people they know. There are days when I just sit back and look at the day and think, “Who was that person in my body today and why are they so much cooler than me?”

Don’t tell me I have self-esteem issues. Don’t tell me I’m crazy. Don’t tell me you love me. I know the first two and I probably won’t believe you if you said the last one. I just needed to get this off my chest.

So that’s all. It’s just one of those days…

Posted in me

I’m pretty excited

I’m pretty excited about next summer. I’ll be at O—B—C— again in similar but different capacities. I know it’s a complete turn around from a year ago. I seriously didn’t want to go up there. I didn’t want to work with old people, I was sick of food service, all of it. But no one else ever called me back (except Tim Horton’s… about two hours after I accepted the position at OBC… ) But now, I absolutely am glad to be going back. Maybe it’s a comfortable thing. I don’t know but I certainly am comfortable there. And I honestly feel loved. It’s great.

I’m also excited because I’m going up there the weekend of April 4-5. Hopefully, I’ll have a little bit of alone time to get some homework done. Hopefully another little plan in that realm goes through. But if it doesn’t, oh well. I’ll still be with my old people.  (PS if you’re one of them and reading this, I mean no offense by the term old people. I love you)

Hm… so I was thinking earlier. I know shock. Anyway, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I mean, I used to be this solitary person with whom everyone made polite conversation and it was awkward for everyone. But the other night, someone sought me out to introduce me to their friend and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I don’t understand it in any capacity. I mean, I guess I can be funny but really, I don’t know. And I didn’t think I gave off the impression that I was approachable. I can’t fathom it. But it’s kind of neat I guess.

On another topic, work today was actually pleasant. Colleen was in a fun mood for once. And Lis and I had a legitimate conversation about her camper. Donna (different Donna)  and I talked about her family, it was… weird. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t really get it. I mean, where has the mean Cherilyn who people were afraid of gone? It’s just different. It will take some getting used to I guess.

Well, that’s all I have for you for now. I hope you have a fantastic day. I’ll write more some other time.

Posted in me, music

Matthew West, Jeremy Camp, Toby Mac

So… the concert was a lot of fun and it was also fun hanging out with Jonesy and Emmy. I don’t think I’ve ever stayed at a hotel without adult or parental supervision. I mean, sure there was my “senior trip” but still, there were several adults there in charge of us. Anyway, the weather was cooperative and there were only a few minor issues with travel and such. Toby Mac was definitely my favorite of the three performers but I liked them all. Anyway, you should check out the photos (there will be videos on Facebook soon) on Flickr or Facebook, whichever you’re reading this from but if you have access to my Facebook I would recommend that one since I uploaded about 8 more than on Flickr.

That brings me to my next point. The reason I only uploaded 7 or so to Flickr is because I have only a free account and I have been nearing the 200 photo limit for quite some time. Not that my photos will be lost but people won’t be able to see any but my most recent 200. Since I have taken 7,435 photos on my approximately 2 year old camera, I feel like upgrading to a Pro account will soon be necessary. It costs $25 though so I’ve been putting it off. Thus, I have to limit my uploads. If anyone reading wants to be my new best friends, give the gift of Flickr.

Ok, well I’d best get to homework.


Posted in Uncategorized

just an update

Wow. So the past few days have been amazing. So much to write, I have no idea where to begin.

I guess the townhouse is as good a place as any. Allow me to describe them to you. The townhouses are on campus apartments. There are either 4 person townhouses or 5 person townhouses. They are fully carpeted, have air conditioning, a dishwasher, two bathrooms, and each person has their own room. Well, ever since last year, I’ve been wanting one and I really wanted to make it happen for my senior year (aka next year). At any rate, I only could find two other people to join me in one. Until one Friday night I happened to feel social enough to go out with people to Applebee’s after our worship service on campus. At any rate, the actual time there was uneventful but on the way back, Peter was asking me where I was planning on living next year. I explained that I couldn’t find anyone else. He said that he and another friend, Craig, also wanted to get into the townhouses. After a brief pause, I said what was being thought by both of us. Why don’t we just get a townhouse together? I immediately said my parents wouldn’t approve. But Peter said we would keep floors and bathrooms separate. I decided I’d ask my mother the next day. I also sought the advice of two of my most trusted female Christian advisors: Miss Esther and Rachel. After weighing it all, I came to the conclusion that it was no different than living in a co-ed dorm (which I’m currently doing as they are the only think offered on campus). Besides, I had lived next door to Kyle all summer at OBC. The fact that we have separate floors and bathrooms makes a ton of difference I think. All of our parents have given the go-ahead. Overall, I know everyone and I think it’s going to be great. If you’re reading this and you think I’m a horrible Christian, feel free to tell me that. But I hope that if you know me, you won’t let this get in the way of us being friends. Also, if you know me and know how anxious I can get, it’d be great if you let me know what you think when you read this. Thanks. Aside from that, I’m ecstatic about the townhouse. It’s going to be a great time!

Next on the agenda, my weekend home. It was pretty relaxing. I got to see Casie and her daughters Hannah and Emma, who, by the way, are adorable. I came back to school on Sunday.

On Tuesday, I talked to Chief and Sunshine on the phone. I had told them about the townhouse and wanted to make sure they didn’t think I am a horrible person. They don’t. Anyway, apparently Sunshine bought a new laptop so she can keep track of the inventory on it. I’m going over there on March 21 to check it out and set stuff up and such. I’m not really sure yet but I will be teaching myself all the innerworkings of Excel over the next week or so. Plus I get to see them, which always makes me smile.

Governor S——-was here yesterday. I heard him for a little bit but then I had to go to class. Basically, yay *insert school name here*, let’s raise taxes so tuition can be lower, etc. Oh, and go to class.

I also went to a Chekhov play last night. Wow. Depressing.

This weekend I’m going to a TobyMac, Jeremy Camp, and Matthew West concert! (Pray the weather is cooperative!)

Next week is the last week of classes before SRPING BREAK!!! I can’t wait to go home for a week and make my various trips to various places. I have half a mind to spend hours photographing random scenes for a day. Plus I get to chill with my cat Han.

Anyway, I should get going. I have some reading to do before dinner and townhouse selection. Have a great day.