There are days when I miss this friend I used to have more than life itself. Most days, I just regret letting my guard down so much and I regret letting myself be that much of a metaphorical crutch. But there are days when I find myself reading the poetry I wrote when I knew her, looking at the pictures we took, reading the blogs that I wrote when we were friends. There are days when I still wonder what I could have done that would have been “right” that would have meant we never stopped being friends. There are days when my heart breaks for the deep friendship that we could still be sharing, a friendship that happens so rarely. A friendship where two people know each other and everything they’re thinking without any of it being spoken.
There are days when I wonder if I will ever be able to have that close of a friendship. I’m not talking about romantic love, mind you. That is another post entirely. I’m talking about a truly close friend with whom you don’t have to be the “together” one, friendship where you can fall apart and still have a friend in them.
I guess I’ve always seen my friendships as me benefiting other people, me using whatever “talents” I have to make their lives better. But I’m burnt out. I cannot be the one that people run to all the time, not without a more “give and take” kind of relationship. So many times, I finish a conversation with people, emotionally drained and all I can do is crawl into bed and cry because even if I’m having issues, none of them were addressed. It was all about the other person.
Now I know that sometimes that’s what is needed for the other person and I’m happy to be there for my friends, but when I don’t feel like I have anyone I can admit my feelings to, it really takes its toll.
There are days when I’m so lonely that I talk to pictures on my wall. And there are days at home where I have lengthy conversations with my cat, Han, who is pretty much my best friend. (Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE having the house to myself when I’m home but sometimes… especially when I’m without a car…)
There are days when I’m so frustrated with myself for coming across too strong in a friendship and I worry about coming across as emotionally needy.
There are days when the happiest part of my day is reading my mediocre poetry out loud to people when I don’t even understand why they like me. There are days, plenty of them, when I wonder why people in my life even want to get to know me, wonder why they think I’m funny, wonder why they want to introduce me to people they know. There are days when I just sit back and look at the day and think, “Who was that person in my body today and why are they so much cooler than me?”
Don’t tell me I have self-esteem issues. Don’t tell me I’m crazy. Don’t tell me you love me. I know the first two and I probably won’t believe you if you said the last one. I just needed to get this off my chest.
So that’s all. It’s just one of those days…